On Hold

I am really enjoying this whole blogging experience. Writing more, clearing my thoughts through the computer keys, and reading others blogs... all wonderful. I started blogging for a variety of reasons, one of them being an attempt to generate a little self-discovery. Let me just tell you what i've discovered...

I am an anxious person. Well... I actually didn't learn that from blogging. I already knew that, but let's just say blogging further confirms it. It is my personal belief that living anxiously is a sin. (Phillipians 4:6 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests your God.) So, I do make an effort to pray about this, be aware of it, ask for forgiveness when it hurts those around me, and learn from it.

Fortunately, I have been blessed with inspiring people in my life who make me want to be a better person. That's the good side. The bad side is this: I get so wrapped up in things i want to add to my life (from the lives of others) that my life starts to appear less desirable. I grow anxious about all of the 'self-improvements' i want to make, activities i want to complete, things i want to do, etc. This has happened as a result of me reading other people's blogs. I have a laundry list of things i want to add to my life (i'm not talking in the materialistic sense here) as a result of being inspired and educated by what i've been reading. I am proud of myself for learning to recognize the anxiety as it approaches. Kinda like when you grow up and learn how your body functions, you feel a sickness coming on before you actually get sick.

So, step one: recognize the anxiety. Step two: take action to lessen the blow (a.k.a. emotional Zicam - the best pre sickness drug out there). Step three: well we're not there yet...

So step 2 for this particular struggle: In an attempt to overcome the anxiety i feel about all the ways i wish my life were better, i am going to make a list of the 'life additions' i'd someday like to make. i will check things off and add new things as needed. This will help me organize my thoughts and also allow me to 'track progress.' For every new thing i acquire, i will also take time to appreciate something in my life that's been somewhat forgotten or become second nature.

I know that part of the anxiety i feel right now is due to this odd time in my life. Wrapping up one chapter of my life, before moving and starting grad school. My day to day life right now is hectic, unorganized, random, and changing. Its impossible to keep a routine, truly call where i live home, or make improvements to my life. I am basically scraping by till i get to start fresh in July. The fresh start will be very calming and helpful for me since i do better with routine, structure, and balance. Grad school will absolutely be stressful but it wont be the chaos that comes with juggling multiple jobs, applying to grad school, traveling constantly, etc. I am sort of on-hold till then. I need to be patient and embrace this crazy, wacky, strange month of my life because i know once i am gone i will miss it terribly. Learning to love what life is now and what it will be a few months from now.

So... when July rolls around and i get settled in, here's the list i will start with:

-i wish i read more. i want to read for pleasure but also for education. i want to read more news... WSJ, New York Times, Time, local publications, etc. i also want to read more Christian-based literature (books, studies, devotions, blogs, etc.).

-i want to be more creative. i use to paint fairly frequently and i really enjoyed it. i also really love tie-dyeing (i just never grew out of it as a child i guess - but seriously, its awesome and you can get super creative with what you dye), i like re-using things in artistic ways. leading to my next point...

-i want to recycle more. i don't hardly recycle at all right now and recycling is actually very important to me.

-i want to start working out again. obviously my knee has limited me for the past several months, but i'm pretty much cleared to work out and have been lazy and not doing much. this needs to end. i also really want to try zumba and spin.

-i want to become part of a church community, one that i attend every Sunday but also includes various weekly activities and serves as a family.

-i want to make volunteering part of my normal routine (not just when a massive tornado destroys everything). volunteers are always needed... not just during disasters, and as Christians, we are called to serve.

-i want to learn how to use my camera and use it to the fullest. my camera can do awesome things and i dont even know the half of it. i used to take artsy, fun pictures all the time and would spend hours editing them. i want to put these pictures in a journal, frame them, hang them on the wall, make collages with them, etc. The sky is the limit.

-i want to cook more. Mark has taught me to love food and showed me how to really enjoy it. not to mention, food just tastes better when you know where it came from. i also want to be more health conscious. i think several physical ailments of mine (and the rest of the world) could easily be cured by proper diet.

That's all for now. I'm sure there's more that will be added soon. BUT i will also start crossing things off when they start happening in July. Just that much more excited about moving now :) Yay St. Louis!

Not a sprint, nor a marathon

On June 2, 2011, something amazing happened. For the first time in over 6 months, I steadily transitioned from a walk to a RUN. Now, we're not talking a full-on sprint here, but nevertheless jogging was a huge milestone for me.

The recovery process since my Dec. 28th knee surgery has been long, painful, and challenging. It has been sprinkled with exciting milestones like this one. The first time I could stand without pain... the first time I could shower normally... the first day I could bear weight on my left leg... my first day of crutch-free living... the day I got rid of the dreaded knee-bending machine!!!... the many knee flexion (bending) milestones - 45 degrees, 90 degrees, 100 degrees, 120, etc. - and now RUNNING.

Although I am technically not an athlete anymore, I still consider myself a very active person. And as my fellow athletes know, you never really lose the drive, competitiveness, and passion for participating in athletics no matter how old you are or what shape your body is in. So, it has been very difficult for me to remain patient throughout this recovery and to come to terms with being inactive for several months. Running for the first time was like freeing a horse from the gate at the Kentucky Derby. Luckily my physical therapist was there to help reign in my excitement and energy. I lasted all of 6 minutes at a pace of 4 on the treadmill. I'm pretty sure my 76 year old grandmother could do that, but still. It was amazing. It was awkward, painful, shaky, and a little frightening, but it was amazing.

I still have a long way to go before my knee and leg will function "normally." I am limited to running short distances at a slow pace... jumping is very difficult... I still endure a significant amount of pain when bending my knee... and my leg is still very weak in comparison to my healthy, right leg. However, I am very grateful that the Lord has given me the opportunity to work through a challenge like this. It has taught me to rejoice in the little things (such as running for the first time in a long time) and to be thankful for what I do have (the ability to walk and function in daily life, 22 years of an active lifestyle, the endurance to overcome an injury) rather than dwell on what went wrong. Most importantly, I was forced to be patient. Patience is still something I struggle with but this recovery has led me to become a more patient person overall.

Brief description of my knee problem and the surgical options. I have had all four of the listed procedures, some more than once: http://www.webmd.com/pain-management/knee-pain/tc/patellar-tracking-disorder-surgery

I am working my butt off at PT this week (running + loads of strengthening) in hopes that my knee will hold up next week at the dance party in Nashville, a.k.a. Erin Greene's wedding.

Dancing works your leg muscles so I can consider that a form of therapy, right?

Travel Bug

Recently I was chatting with Mark and I made the comment that I wished I could do nothing but travel during the month of July. I plan to move out of my house here in Tuscaloosa at the very end of June and I start orientation at WashU on August 1. What does that leave? July! So why not travel? Simple... Insufficient funds.

Although I can't afford to live as a nomad for an entire month, I will be able to take a few exciting trips this summer. And I am extremely thankful for that. I wouldn't necessarily say I caught the travel bug... I would say its more like a condition, because it never really goes away. I've always loved to travel and I've always had family and friends all over the country to visit. I hope my love for travel continues because its brought me some great experiences and awesome memories.

San Francisco, CA

En route to Martha's Vineyard (Falmouth, MA)

Winter Park, CO

San Diego, CA

Pasadena BABY!!! Roll tide.

Some awesome trips I will be taking NOW (aka this summer):

• Nashville to celebrate the marriage of Erin and Ross! (Leaving 2 weeks from tomorrow!!!)
• St. Louis to find a place to call home and explore the restaurant scene for my boy
• Charleston, SC to visit my wonderful friend LT! (this is still in the works)
• Family vacation destination TBA: my family is still working out the details of our family vacation which will either be to Cape Cod, Massachusetts to visit family or some sort of outdoor trip involving rafting, canoeing, fishing, etc. - either would be AWESOME

Some awesome trips I will be taking LATER (my travel wish list):

• Denver to visit my dear friend Amy
• Northern California to see Erin & Ross's new home and visit old friends in San Fran
• Chicago... because i've never been and its a short 5 hour trip from STL
• Texas to catch up with camp friends and visit one of my best college friends, Michelle, in San Antonio
• Small town, Iowa to visit Sandi, an incredibly influential person in my life!
• St. George Island, FL - because once you visit SGI, you'll never wanna go to another beach
• Boston to spend some quality time with my beautiful cousin Ashley
• Other places I want to visit simply because I think they'd be cool: Portland OR, St. Augustine FL, Ann Arbor MI, Baltimore MD, the Outer Banks, and Austin TX.

So here's to traveling! Anyone up for a road trip?

Summer Reading

Summer reading? I thought I had seen the last of those when I graduated high school. Apparently not. The difference between my current summer reading list and the ones we all became accustomed to in jr high and high school; I am inflicting this brutal list upon myself.

Why would one do such a thing? Well, its quite simple.... to further broaden my horizons, increase my intellect, and expand my business knowledge. Ha just kidding... actually not really. I have created this reading list because, quite frankly, grad school intimidates the heck outta me and these books are my attempt to make myself smarter. I am beyond thankful for the opportunity to attend WashU's MBA program and very excited for the experience. However, anxiety and uncertainty are rearing their ugly heads as well.

I will likely be the youngest person in my MBA class (the average age is 27).

I will be a gender minority (gender breakdown of the MBA school is 28/72% female/male).

I will likely be one of the only people from the south (that is if you count Florida and Texas as the south... if you don't, then I will be THE only person from the south).

I could potentially be a "minority" as a caucasian (last years class was 34% international plus 12% underrepresented minority).

I will have significantly less work experience than my peers (the average is 4 years).

Despite all of this, I am sure that WashU is the place for me. I have felt God's hand throughout the process... applying, admission, etc... and I want the new experience and the change from what I know as "comfortable". But you can't ignore the facts. I will be starting school with a slight disadvantage... less work experience, less worldly experience, and possibly less knowledge (based on my peer's choices of undergrads such as Cornell and Brown - Roll tide!). So this reading list is my way of actively trying to bridge the gap. I am not assuming that reading these books will make me a genius or top of my class. I know that I will stumble during my first year at school. I know that some of classmates might dismiss my ideas because of my age or background. I know I will get the answer wrong ALOT. And that's fine. I need to experience that in order to grow as a person. I hope these books will give me a boost of confidence in my intellectual ability and the knowledge I already possess. I also hope they will get me excited about school and excited about business. And most of all, I hope they will start the ball rolling towards finding and creating my career path.

Just need to make sure I have a dictionary close by...

My Busy Random Organized Jumble of Thoughts

Warning: this post will be random.

I have several different things on my mind that I wanted to blog about but it seemed tedious and wasteful to write a separate post for each one, so why not throw them all together? Randomness keeps life interesting :) But staying true to my nature... they are numbered. Stop laughing. They are practically labeled with figurative numbers in my crazy-organized, OCD mind!

1. I am struggling to balance the ending of one chapter of my life with the beginning of another. I think this is what you call "limbo" but the movie Inception sort of complicated that word for me. Anyways, I have lots of thing to do before moving to St. Louis in... oh wait, that's the first thing I need to figure out. WHEN I am actually moving. I also need to... find a place to live, decide what furniture I will be taking with me, hopefully (fingers crossed!) find a roommate, create a budget, complete 20+ hours of pre-MBA math assignments, pay my final enrollment deposit, and complete a reading list I created for myself so I sound somewhat intelligent when called on by a professor. I am having trouble diving in to all of this exciting preparation because it means saying goodbye to the life I've created here in Tuscaloosa for 5 years. I am definitely ready for this change and awesome opportunity but I am sort of dragging my feet a little bit.

2. I really don't want to talk about the tornado because EVERYONE talks about the tornado. BUT I do feel the need to document an important personal discovery I made last night. On my way home from a friend's apartment, I traveled down 15th street, an area devastated by the tornado. This was the logical route home. I won't be taking the logical route anymore... at least for awhile... if it takes me through this area. At the intersection of 15th and McFarland, I burst into tears. It wasn't the devastation... the destruction on 15th is no worse than what I saw in the community of Sylvania, the neighborhood of Forest Lake, or the Rosedale Court area. What was different was the atmosphere. I visited Sylvania, Forest Lake, and Rosedale just days after the tornado. People were wandering the streets, roads were closed, and it looked like a disaster zone. But last night on 15th (the two week anniversary), it was business as usual. All roads and lanes were open. Street lights were working. Cars zoomed pass to their various destinations. Everything was normal. Except it wasn't. Businesses I've frequented for 5 years now were... missing. The roadside was pitch black. No business, no lights. I could see parts of Tuscaloosa from the street that were previously blocked by trees, houses, buildings, etc. Last night I learned that their are many layers of this recovery. Alabamians were initially saddened by the destruction... the "war zones". That stage has passed. What's left is a deserted, dark, unpopulated stretch of land that was once bustling, bright, and busy. To me, seeing this was just as eerie and hard to cope with. I would imagine the next layer will come when all the debri is removed and everything is simply barren. Then there will be rebuilding. Things will look different. This tornado has affected everyone in Tuscaloosa to different degrees and it will continue to be difficult. This is most definitely a marathon.

3. On a positive note... my little bro is awesome. He will be competing for his THIRD baseball state championship in four years. Does that make me greedy if I really, really want them to win? He has worked so hard and, finally, as a senior really has a chance to shine. The local news attended his team's practice yesterday and interviewed him about the games this weekend. I didn't get a chance to see it over here in Bama but my mom said he sounded and looked great on the 10 o'clock news. What a stud. My obsession with my brother (and his baseball) means I have basically been living out of suitcase. Home to Louisiana for a few days... back to Bama for work... back home for the next game... etc. It all comes to an end this weekend with the semi-final game on Friday, and the championship game on Saturday. The brother gets the start on the mound in the championship game should they survive Friday. I will be front and center screaming loud for #25! Let's go Eagles... REPEAT!!!

A Glimmer of Happiness Amidst Weeks of Tragedy

This is not complaint, but a statement of fact: Life has been rougher than usual for Alabamians the past two weeks, myself included. I have been on the verge of tears for 14 days and counting now. Not because of loss... I was unbelievably ridiculously fortunate and am so incredibly blessed. But that doesn't mean seeing, hearing, watching, breathing the devastation isn't emotionally draining. It is and has been for everyone.

So, needless to say, the story I am about to share is a much-needed pick-me-up and brought me tears of JOY not sadness for the first time in a long time. Thank you, Lord, for this glimmer of happiness amidst weeks of tragedy. You are my strength!

The following is an email sent to my supervisor from the mother of a child we screened for vision problems through our FocusFirst initiative at Impact Alabama:

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you from the bottom of my heart for heading up such an amazing organization. I never thought to take my 3 year son, Ezra to the eye doctor. He was 3……heck he just started going to the dentist because that is the recommended age!

My son’s congenital bilateral cataracts would not have been caught in time had it not been for Impact Alabama. Impact came to my son’s daycare and done their free vision screening. He has since had both cataracts removed and had lens implants. He does have to wear bifocals but he can see! After he got his glasses he looked at me and said “wow, momma I can see little things now!” He also told me the house was dusty and needed to be dusted, but I was proud of that.

He is now 5 years old and is about to start kindergarten this fall. I am very grateful to you and this organization. I did make a small donation online and will continue to donate as much as I can when finances allow. I sign the permission slip for my daughter every time it’s time for the vision screening and I make sure I tell other parents to do the same.

Again, thank you and Impact Alabama from the bottom of my heart. Words will never express my gratitude. Please pass along a big THANK YOU to the other members of Impact Alabama!!!

Stories like this are what make my job worthwhile and I am so very thankful to have had this opportunity to work for such an awesome cause!

Overwhelmed

I had the afternoon of Wednesday, April 27th completely mapped out. I left work at 2pm on the dot... wanted to make the trek from my office to my car before the rain started. I went by my house to grab a few things before heading over to my friend David's apartment; my camera (needed to upload some new photos to Facebook), work documents, and a book. I was having problems with my cable and wanted to make sure I had access to the weather news (a.k.a. James Spann the man) in case the storms that were moving in turned out to be dangerous. Oh the irony.

I got over to David's about 3 o'clock. Shortly after, David and I watched a tornado form outside of Cullman, then travel straight through the town leaving a path of destruction in its wake. Still, I was not all that concerned for my personal safety. James Spann was seesawing his attention between the Cullman tornado and a few super cells that were developing in eastern Mississippi, just southwest of Tuscaloosa. I became distracted with other activities... work... photo uploading.. etc. About thirty minutes passed and I glanced up at the TV to see a black sky and monstrous wall cloud being shot from the Tuscaloosa sky cam (one of the super cells headed straight for T-town). Not a comforting sight, but I still was not overly worried. Seconds later, the tornado sirens went off. Typical. Expected. Duh. These were my thoughts. Seriously. I've lived in Tuscaloosa for five years now and the number of times I have heard tornado sirens is likely nearing 100.

Spann's heightened sense of concern and borderline excitement got my attention though. I began to pay closer attention to the television. David and I realized that the super cell had indeed produced a tornado. Still my nerves remained completely calm. A tornado formed outside of Tuscaloosa just over a week prior and ended up traveling through Taylorville and causing limited damage. Tornadoes in western Alabama always end up going north or south of Tuscaloosa. Nothing to worry about.

David and I became glued to the TV as the Tuscaloosa sky cam documented this tornado getting bigger and bigger until it nearly was as wide as the camera angle. Spann started saying things like "downtown Tuscaloosa"..."Northport"... then later... "University Mall"..."15th Street". Now I was concerned. It happened just that fast. One second, I was brushing it off...thinking out load "Wow! That is so cool!" The next, I was on the verge of tears. Picturing David's apartment being ripped to shreds with us huddling in the bathroom. Suddenly, the cable cut off and we were clueless as to the location of the tornado.... the storm.. the damage... anything.

Since that moment... the one where I went from being completely calm to overcome with terror... my feelings can be summed up in one word: overwhelmed. I have been overwhelmed to varying degrees since Wednesday.

I was overwhelmed by what happened in Tuscaloosa on Wednesday evening. By the rumors... confusion... chaos. Uncertainty. Missing details.

I was overwhelmed by the destruction in Tuscalooosa on Thursday. I saw it with my own two eyes. I saw physical destruction... houses ripped to shreds. Businesses completely gone. People's personal belongings strewn about their yards... in the trees... in other cities. I saw emotional destruction... people wandering about the streets in shock. With nowhere to go. Nothing to eat. People pulling suitcases behind them... all that was left of their life contained in one small suitcase.

I was overwhelmed by what happened in the state of Alabama on Friday. In my selfish human nature, I had been so consumed with Tuscaloosa's trauma that I remained nearly oblivious to what had occurred in the rest of the state. There were dozens and dozens of communities that saw just as much (maybe even more) devastation as Tuscaloosa.

I was overwhelmed by the media on Saturday. Television, radio, the web... all covering "April's Fury" 24/7. This was also the first day I had access to consistent TV and internet since Wednesday. I watched YouTube videos, viewed friend's Facebook photos, and listened to news broadcasts for hours. Seeing the devastation was rough... but having tornado news thrown at me from all angles was... well... overwhelming too.

I was overwhelmed with emotion on Sunday. I was fortunate enough to experience God's faithfulness firsthand when I traveled to northeast Alabama to cook meals for the rural community of Sylvania. God deserves all the glory... He led us to a community in need and to those who needed the food the most. I am so thankful that He chose to use me to provide just a small glimmer of hope to these people. I was overwhelmed with the sadness and torment on Sylvania resident's faces. I was overwhelmed with how appreciative people were of the small... tiny... service we were trying to provide. I was overwhelmed with God's grace... with all He's given me when I am so undeserving. I was overwhelmed with the strength of the community... they were having Sunday worship in the parking lot of what used to be their church, now completely unrecognizable and utterly destroyed.

I was overwhelmed on Monday with exhaustion. Sunday's efforts started at 7am and I didn't lay my head down till after midnight. It was a tiring day alone but combined with the previous four days... complete exhaustion. I was not fun to be around... shout out to Mark for putting up with me, being patient with me, and helping me realize I was lashing out because of my utter exhaustion. I love you, Mark Driskill!!!

And today... well today I am just overwhelmed with all of it. I know my college town will never be the same. I know my life for the next two months (my remaining time in Tuscaloosa) will be filled with tornado news updates, tornado destruction in my rear view mirror, detours around the tornado path, tornado-caused traffic, tornado volunteering, praying for tornado victims, seeing tornado pictures on Facebook, tornado... tornado... tornado. I am overwhelmed. I feel like my head is spinning. I want to go to bed and actually sleep without having weird dreams. I want to hug my mom. I want to cry. I want to stop feeling scared all the time. I want God to forgive me for feeling all of this. I was and am so incredibly blessed and cannot fathom what so many others are going through. All I can think about is the cheesy phrase "If God brings you to it, He will bring you thought it." I truly believe the people suffering right now are the strongest people in the world. The ones I have met are. They are heroes. They are pushing through it all without even flinching. They are extremely grateful. I admire them beyond words. They are an inspiration.

The craziest thing about all of this is that you never know what tomorrow brings. Its all kind of up in the air right now. Very strange. The one, and possibly only, thing I do know is that God has a plan. We may not understand it now... or ever get the explanation we so desire as humans... but He has a plan. My feelings of being overwhelmed will eventually go away and He will have further shaped me into the person He desires me to be.